A Dream or A Visit?
by LoveforCarter
Summary: Oneshot. 'You're feeling all alone. You won't be on your own.'


Warning: Theme of loss. May upset some.

* * *

Last week you came to me in a dream.

That very night, for hours, I had tossed and turned. I had lost count of the hours I spent lying awake on the hard linoleum factory floor – the place I now know as home. How could forty-four years of life lead to being thrown out and deserted by a friend so close that you consider them as family. There was nothing glamorous about lying on a floor. It does not tie in with the Carla Connor image I portrayed to the rest of the world. 'No home, no husband, no kids', I mused to myself as I gorged in self-pity, allowing the tears to spill.

I must have cried myself to sleep that night. Crying myself to sleep seemed to be the only way I could rest at night. I had to mentally exhaust myself for sleep to come. I knew I must have been dreaming when I heard your soft voice.

'You're wrong.'

Not used to being called out for my wrongdoings, the voice grabbed my attention promptly.

'You're wrong,' it called again. 'You _do_ have a kid. Did you forget about me?' I was taken aback. Was this truly a dream? A mere figment of my imagination? Or was it really you? Because when I opened my eyes and lifted my head from my sprawled position on the floor, there you stood, peeking round from my office door, dejection expressed in your face.

'I almost had a kid. It's a good job she didn't hang in on there with me. She would have just ended up just like me when I was a kid – dragged up by a useless mother. She did the right thing…' I paused before daring to whisper those few words 'She pressed the eject button.'

Tearing up, it felt as if your appearance had reopened wounds I had spent years attempting to cover up. Especially when you piped up, 'I wasn't ready for the world… Mummy'. I faltered for a moment. I thought I was hearing things. Surely my mind wasn't so sickly twisted to fool me into this. You really had come to me, hadn't you?

'Baby?' I quizzed through thick tears.

'Mummy,' you spoke again. Your voice was so delicately laced with kindness and inexperience. I would have happily listened to you speak all night. All the missed opportunities of watching and experiencing you grow had been lost. 'Mummy, please don't be sad,' she huffed with her whole body as she began to fully enter my office. Now standing before me she said, 'Hayley said you might be in need of a cuddle when I got here.' _Hayley? _Not wanting to refuse the offer of a cuddle in case she was purely a figment of my imagination, I ushered her into my arms. Her small body came into contact, with her head fit perfectly in the crook of my neck, she nuzzled her hair against my bare skin and flung her little arms as far around my body as they allowed. I could have stayed there with you forever.

When she let go, I was able to let my eyes fully absorb her features. She had the deepest shade of chocolate brown eyes - Her Daddy's eyes – they were utterly hypnotising. Just how I'd imagined they would be. Her hair was messy, as if she had woken in the middle of the night. Despite that, it was striking. It tumbled past her shoulders and was almost as dark as my natural raven hair, but was ever so slightly diluted with Peter's brown hair colour. Her skin was a beautiful olive tone. Soft and supple, appearing like she had just flown in from somewhere tropical. Amongst all the details I started to notice, I also spotted her clothing. She was wearing flannel princess patterned pyjamas with a pink fluffy dressing gown over the top and she clutched onto the arm of a pure white teddy bear. My teddy bear! The one I had bought her! I could have stared at my four-year-old beauty forever, just as I could have basked in her cuddle forever. But I had so many questions.

'Darlin',' I spoke up as I instinctively manoeuvred her so she sat in my lap as I had since moved into my office chair, purely for more comfort.

'Yes, Mummy,' she quickly responded, not shy or unsure of me. She never lost eye contact with me. Her big, wide eyes glittered against the beam of the desk lamp, making every fibre of my being crumble. This was why I had never wanted kids. The ability they had to break you down, make you vulnerable… It was uncontrollable.

'You mentioned Hayley'.

'When I'm at school Hayley keeps a close eye on you'.

'What do you mean?'

'Well, I live Hayley, don't I?' She blatantly stated. It made perfect sense to her, but rendered me clueless.

'Do ya?'

'Yeah. Where I come from, I live with lots of people. I like Hayley best, though. I also live with Uncle Paul and Uncle Liam - they're dead jealous that I'm here. They wanted to come too but Hayley said it should be me on me own'. In that moment I was utterly blown away. There were so many emotions flooding my thoughts and feelings. Jealousy initially came to mind. Jealous over the fact Hayley, Liam and Paul got to watch my baby girl grow and change in the last four years of her life, while I am left ignorant and alone. 'Mummy, Hayley says that we live in heaven. That's why I can only watch you from up up up way high in the sky,' she said as she threw her hands up in the air excitedly, above her head. 'I wish I could see you more, but if I miss anymore school I'll be in big big trouble'. That had confirmed everything I'd needed to hear. She was definitely mine and Peter's girl. Without a shadow of a doubt. And with our genepool trouble would be her middle name.

'I hope you're not causing too much trouble up there'.

'Only sometimes, but it's not my fault… Most of the time.' The cheeky grin she flashes me makes me melt. 'I don't have a Mummy to tell me off in heaven. But I have Hayley and she's your friend. And Uncle Paul tells me he was married to you agessssss ago. But you really loved Liam more, didn't you? Liam always tells me that when Paul isn't there. Paul and Liam always fight over who you loved more. Hayley always tells them that no one will come close to the love you have for me. Is she right? Because I feel the same, Mummy. There is no one I love more than you. Hayley says that it doesn't matter that I can't be beside you and in your world every day. What matters most is that I was lucky to have had you as my Mummy. And that's why I carry this around with me,' she said, referring to the white teddy in her hand. 'I don't know how, but it found its way up to heaven beside me. Hayley said that you bought it when I was a baby in your tummy. She was in charge of watching over you then because I wasn't living in heaven then. She tells me that having it with me is like having a part of you with me at all times. She told me you'd like to know that. Something about giving you com- com- … Erm I can't remember the word she used,' she said as she started getting annoyed at herself.

'Comfort?' I asked, trying not to laugh at how cute her frustration was.

'Yeah that. She says the teddy is the part of you I get to keep in heaven. And because I'm in heaven I have the very important job of watching over you. Hayley takes over when I'm at school though. Even when I am watching, though, I don't always understand. Hayley is well mad a Roy for being mean to you. Whenever I ask what he's done though she tell me, '_It's just adult stuff, love.' _Why do grownups always say that to kids? Do they say that in your world too? It's _so_ annoying. I might only be four, but I'm nearly five! I might understand if she tried to tell me.'

I was lost for words. Or lost in your words. I wasn't quite sure which. I was relieved to hear you were being looked after. Maybe not by me, but at least by people who meant something dear to me.

Trying to find out as much as I could about her, I quizzed, 'And have you got lots of little friends at school?' I wanted to learn more about where my little girl had spent the last five years of her life, especially since she knew lots about mine.

'Yeah. I love playtime!' she enthused, 'Guess who my best friend is?'

'Who's that, baby?'

'Ruairi! Auntie Chelle's baby. He says to tell you to tell his Mummy he is watching her too! Will you tell her for him?'

'Of course I will', I whispered as I was sure my voice would fail me. The lump in my throat was burning and tears were threatening to fall.

'Good!' she cheered, throwing her arms round my neck. Once she untangled her arms from around me, the desk lamp started flickering. At first I thought it was my eyes deceiving me. I mean, I could hardly believe everything that had happened that night. Everything was so fantastical; nothing could shock me now. The flickering continued and intensified. All the while she began shuffling and fidgeting on my lap before exclaiming, 'Oh no!' Dropping her teddy to the floor in what seemed to be utter shock.

'What is it, Darlin',' I questioned, taken aback when she shot up off of my lap and onto the floor to her feet.

'Got to go!' She was panicked.

'So soon?' I was anxious. I didn't want us to separate so soon after being reunited that night.

'Yeah. The light. It's Hayley. She told me she'd send a signal when she needed me back home. Time's nearly up!' Seeing that I was beginning to take in what she was telling me.

'But I… I don't want you to go, baby,' I sobbed, 'not yet.' I fell from my chair, onto my knees, practically begging her to stay. Even though it was hopeless. How could a four-year-old dictate the rules?

'Mummy, don't cry,' she simply protested as our eyes reconnected. I practically covered her in head to foot of kisses – a barrier of mother's protection. 'I'm never too far away. And Uncle Paul told me to tell you that if you ever get sad from missing me so much, you just have to look high up in the clouds and if you look hard enough you might just see me! And even when you think I'm not around, I'm always there. Uncle Paul tells me that adults don't have as good an imagination as kids. He says yours isn't the best on an adult's level. But if you can try to picture me being with you, then that might work?'

'Uncle Paul's full of great ideas, isn't he?' I sarcastically muttered.

'But Uncle Liam says to me that whenever I miss you, I should remember that you're always in here.' She was holding her hands over her heart. God she was unbearably sweet. I never deserved her. She was too pure. The way she retold what Liam had said, was mixed with the same gentleness and love I could have envisaged Liam using. Same old Liam. Just like Baby Barlow, he was too good for the world.

'So you're never not with me; and that must mean I'm never not with you, right Mummy?' Her candid innocence was adorable; yet it caused me pain. How you laid it out so matter-of-fact, like you believed it. It made me believe it too.

'Definitely. Uncle Liam does speak some sense… Sometimes.'

'He also tells me when I'm scared "_Be brave, kid_",' As she spoke I was reminded of the many times Liam would refer to me as _'kid'. _It made my body shiver as I was reminded of how much I had felt towards Liam. In a way it made me feel better at the fact of letting her go. She was going back to good people. People even I had once loved. And everything she had said confirmed that she was cherished by these people. 'I need to go now, Mummy,' she spoke as the lamp on my desk had dimmed the room due to its continuous flickering.

'I know,' I muttered, slowly giving in to submission as she tiptoed towards the office door. 'Wait,' I said as I pulled myself up off the floor, noticing her teddy, which she had earlier dropped, lay on the floor. 'Don't forget teddy,' I called which caused her to instantly turn on her heels and she sped towards me to retrieve him. 'You can't forget teddy, can you hmm?'

'Thank you,' she whispered as she pressed the bear close to her chest while I planted one final kiss to her head, and to the teddy's.

'Take Mummy's kisses home with you, yeah?'

'Yeah,' she beamed as she retraced her steps towards the door. I glanced down at the floor hoping this would somehow make her disappearance less painful.

'I love you, darlin',' I spoke quietly as I scrunched my eyes up tight, hoping that when I reopened them, she would have gone.

'I love you.' I would never forget those delicate words spoken in her hauntingly beautiful voice. However, I wasn't prepared when she said, 'Be brave, Mummy.'

When I opened my eyes she was gone.


End file.
